10 days
the last 10 days have been mental and included so high highs and my lowest low.
last tuesday i asked an amazing girl called kelly out, and she said yes. it was the first time i actually felt like, scarry as it was, i could commit to having a proper relationship. it was awesome, exciting, an adventure of a totally new kind beginning...
then last weekend i was in st. andrews visiting my friend ryan, we were out on the saturday, i had decided not to drink (cause he doesnt) but in the bar changed my mind, when he left i stayed, i kept drinking, went to a cast party with another friend from belfast (who had been in the play) and ended up kissing another girl then went back to hers had sex with her...
since then my heads been wrecked, i had to tell kelly what a selfish scumbag i had been, had to look myself in the eye and realise how messed up i am and how i ruined what could have been something beautiful, but i have also had to accept that somehow Jesus still gives me His grace...
does this make me a bad person, a hypocrite, a fake? maybe, it definately makes me human and broken, for anyone who has read this blog for a while you will know that this isnt the first time i have thrown everything out the window for one night with a girl.... but it had been a long time and i had thought i was over that, but i guess the truth is you still have to make the right decisions no matter how long it has been.
it has all made me realise i was spending a lot of time talking about God and hanging out with Christians but not much time chilling with Jesus and allowing Him to be number 1 in my life. i had built a religious house of cards, where me being a christian was much more important than Jesus, and all the while frustration was building up because i was not satisfied...
so here i am at the beginning again, me a broken mess Jesus saving me and loving me...
5 comments:
sorry to hear that Graham, I know that God can sort it out and you out, :P sorry you know i don't mean that in a harsh way, we all need sorting out, keep trusting him and pushing forward and asking for help and taking healthy risks. little by little. praying for you. believing in you.
miracles can come out of mess.
Mate, it takes a bigger man to stand up and admit they where wrong and leave it to God than to continue their walk, hiding in shame and guilt! praying for ya! :)
Its all very well slapping eachother on the back and saying that God will forgive us- which he will, but dont overlook the fact that we have to live with the consequences of our actions which tend to affect more than just us and God
Keep up the honesty brother...it helps to set us free and continue in that place of freedom. Prayers and blessing on you and your future (Remember Galatians 5 - The Message)
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