watched the passion of the Christ last night...

it fairly blew my mind, really disturbed me. cried for some bits but just left the cinema feeling stunned, knew no-one would be up when i got in so went to friends for a cup of tea and some mind numbing friends on dvd.

i am not quite sure why i am feeling what i am, i really liked how crazy Jesus seemed when we was on His way to death and was telling mary "I make all things new" it gave me confidence in when what i am doing seems totally carzy by the worlds standards... also was scared by the presence of satan in many of the scenes, really made that verse in peter
"Be self­controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."
come to life.

but i still feel pretty uneasy about the whole thing, maybe i had kidded myself that it didn't cost so much for Jesus to die, that when i choose my own way its not really that big a deal. its funny cause i wanted to do photographs of someone madeup to look just like He would have looked on the cross, i desired a true representation of what He went through, but now i have seen it, it shakes me to my core.

at one point just before he is whipped He says "My heart is ready Father"... i dont think my heart is... and yet as the film shows Jesus saying at the last supper
"Remember the words I spoke to you: 'No servant is greater than his master.'[ 15:20 John 13:16] If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also."

i know that not everyone is called to martydom or extreme physical suffering, but i had been reading Brother Yun's "Heavenly Man" and Jesus Freaks vol2(a record of martyrs) and i think i was thinking it would be pretty cool to be in some of those situations, but now i realise it would be incredabily difficult.

i have felt God tellin me to take how i live my life more seriously, focusing on grace not leagalism but considering more seriously staying sober and 1 thes 4 v 3-
It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body[1] in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.
1. 4:4 Or learn to live with his own wife; or learn to acquire a wife

all prayers as ever appreciated